Funny Is Where You Find It

  And always have clothes on when dispensing gasoline.

  Makes sense to me.  Plus, it probably wouldn't hurt to have a neck.

Widener University

    If Widener University wants its graduates to be pompous, obnoxious know-it-alls, this commercial is spot-on.

  

  If not, then they may want to think about firing their public relations guy.

Wish I Could Write Headlines

  Seen on the front page of this morning's Intelligencer.

 
  Take an 'n' away from 'Bonner' and you have one frikkin' funny headline.


  Just An Observation:  There is NO WAY you can convince me that the guy (it would have to be a dude) who put this together didn't know what he was doing.


  Oh, how I wish I had that job.

Neither Rain Nor Snow Nor Bumper Sticker

  Just an observation....


  I spotted this vehicle yesterday parked at the Wawa at the intersection of routes 313 and 113 in Hilltown (the specific location is not germane-or any of the other surviving Jackson brothers-to this story.  I just wanted to give it some local flavor.  And I love Wawa pretzels.):

  Since we live in a "rural" area, kinda (there are llamas down the street, after all), our local post office quite often needs to use the services of part-time folks to deliver the mail.  When they're not raising the price of stamps, that is.


  These people slap a sign such as the above on their cars and go off on their merry way, misplacing the mail.  Sometimes, they plop a flashy yellow light on the roofs of their vehicles to alert other motorists that they make frequent stops.  And are sitting in the right-side passenger seat while leaning over to grab the steering wheel on the left.


  If they stay with the Postal Service long enough, they may even be able to eventually wear those cool short pants to work.  Or a pith helmet.


  In any case, they mostly do a great job and I'm grateful for their service.  Those Chase credit card applications, Oriental Trading Company fliers, and Rubber Dog Crap brochures won't deliver themselves, ya know.


  But, after looking at the car above, I took a look at what she had plastered to her rear passenger door:

   
  Okay, I'm all for freedom of expression.  But, I've never understood the penchant some folks have for displaying this cause or that on their vehicles.  And they don't have to be political either.  We've all seen an abundance of "My son is an honor student at...", "Save the Whales," "I [Heart] My Poodle," or the Calvin cartoon character peeing on a Chevy/Ford signs.


  Hey, if you want to "F" up your car's paintjob by plastering crap all over it, knock yourself out, be my guest.  After all, it's your vehicle.


  But, if you're going to be driving a vehicle with a "U.S. Mail" sign on one side and an "Obama '08" on the other, I think you've given up your right to express a partisan opinion.  As a representative of the United States government, you ostensibly are a representative of the entire United States, not of just the Democratic Party.  


  It makes me think you could be inclined to "lose" my membership renewal notification for the National Rifle Association.


  Either scrape Barack from your bumper or stop driving a car which says you're working for the U.S. Mail.


  You may not get that pith helmet, though.


FULL DISCLOSURE:  I'd feel the exact same way if she had affixed a "McCain/Palin" sticker to her car.  I just don't think it would be an issue.  Because, crayon would wash off in the rain.

Gotta Admit, I'm a Little Nervous

Go ahead and laugh it up, funny man.
She was someone's baby once.

    Even though I get depressed about no comments on my blog, I take solace in reviewing just how many people have at least looked at "Just An Observation."  The fact that they probably thought it was a porn site-and that "Observation" meant more than what it really means-is beside the point.


    Since this is primarily a local opinion piece, I pretty much figured that most of the people who took a peek here were from Bucks County, Pennsylvania.  Or confused people from Nebraska.


  But, lo and behold (a phrase normally used in the Bible.  Along with "Thou Shalt Not Remove Under Penalty of Law." All right.  I made that one up.  But, it should be there.), most of the folks who've visited aren't even from the United States, let alone Southeastern Pennsylvania.


  No, coming in at #1 is-I'm still amazed-Russia!  Yeah, the former Evil Empire, the current trailer park of Europe.  You liked them as the Soviet Union, you love them as the country so frikkin' huge it needs two continents, multiple time zones, and 1,000 ways to boil beets.


  Why do you suppose this is?  Is it because my blog is also part of the Montgomery News organization (the part which doesn't pay)?  Maybe.  But, that just can't be.  I don't think Vladmir Putin looks to the Perkasie News-Herald for his news when the New York Times-or People magazine-are available.

Please don't let it be this guy.
And not just because he's dead.

  Maybe it's because my humor transcends international borders?  Maybe I'm just so frikkin' hilarious in any language that I keep world peace intact (except for that pain in the behind Middle East).
  
  Nah.  I've looked at the crap I write.  Al Gore gets more laughs at a "Limericks Reading and Pull-My-Finger" recital.
  
    So, why DO you Russians visit me?  Are you looking for some sort of intelligence which would give you a leg up as to how to infiltrate what Iran calls the "Great Satan" (I just know they say it with love, though)?  If that's your motivation, you're too late.  If you've ever seen any electronics department in Walmart, you'll know another country has beat you to it.  And, I don't mean Finland. 

Is lady? No, is man.
Have penis?  Nyet. 

  Trust me, if you're looking for some sort of insight into what makes Americans tick, you've come to the wrong place.  You'd be better off checking out Dancing With the Stars.


  On second thought, never mind.  Chaz Bono would just confuse the hell out of you.


  I don't know.  Maybe you do find me hilarious.  


  After all, any country which would stand in line for twelve hours just to get toilet paper has to have a great sense of humor.

Please to tell, where to find moose and squirrel?

  But, would it kill you to toss in a comment or two?  I'm working here.
  
  And not getting paid.

No, I Didn't Have It Off, Either

Thank God I had this goofy hat.
I wish we had Hair Cuttery, though.  I have a coupon.

    I love October.  The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests to push that pigskin across the goal line, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts warn of the coming winter.

    October also lets us celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).

I said 'Everybody sit down! I'm getting sick!'

    In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.

    So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and Bed, Bath, and Beyond trots out its very best Columbus Day displays of sheets and pillowcases (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if Chris and the boys only had these sheets!!”).

    As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Canadian Thanksgiving.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the psychopaths like the Wing Bowl, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.

    More times than not, we hardly know it’s happened until Channel 10's 6 o'clock news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day!  Too bad you hadda go to work!  The Schuykill's bumper to bumper, though. That's strange.”

    My family has for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous.  For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a convent.

    For some reason, though, we never did much to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"

    In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history (right behind statues of the Amish made of Scrapple), might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:

Apparently, Northern Indians were tougher
than the ones down south

10.  Slash the tires of those obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.

9.   Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.

8.   Go to the one of those tribal casinos in Connecticut, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.

7.   Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrate COLUMBO Day.

6.   Grab some library books, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Chrisville.’  Draw moustaches on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.

5.   Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim Fairmont Park for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.

4.   Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you people were all hiding!”

3.   Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Labor Day.

2.   With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s fleet, drift aimlessly on the Delaware River, claim New Hope for Spain.

1.   Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.

    There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at Wells Fargo. 

    But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get yourself a cannoli.

    Chris would’ve wanted it that way.

Inside the Pennridge School District October 10th

Parents Invited to Visit Schools This Week   Administrators, teachers and staff members in the Pennridge School District invite parents to personally see the exciting learning that is happening in our classrooms during Parent Visitation Week, October 11-13.   “We are proud of the programs and activities provided by our schools and hope that our parents feel that same sense of pride,” said Dr. Robert Kish, superintendent of Pennridge School District.  “This is an opportunity for them to experience that which their children enjoy each day.”   Here are the individual school schedules for Parent Visitation Week: Elementary Schools: parents are welcomed to attend on Tuesday or Thursday in the morning, or Wednesday in the afternoon. Check with individual school for exact times.   Middle Schools: will be open to parents Tuesday through Thursday during the student day. Each principal is also hosting a Coffee Klatch with parents; check with individual schools for exact times.   Pennridge High School: will be open to parents on Wednesday from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. (Bold and italics mine)   Even though the high school's instructional day ends at 2:15 pm, I admire their community awareness.   Maybe one of the custodians can toss in a tour of the building for late-arriving parents.

Target-It's More Than Stuff Made in China

 

    Well, not a lot more.  But, more.

    I love going to the Target in Richland Township (or is that Quakertown?  Who knows?  But, who am I to judge?  I live in Hilltown.  With a Perkasie mailing address.  Talk about screwing up your average GPS).

    Like Walmart, it offers a vast array of quality products at bargain prices.  Unlike Walmart, it’s remarkably mullet-free and you don’t have near the same chance of blundering into a stray fart cloud.

    Whether it’s the latest in books, video equipment, sporting goods, Gorilla Glue, or household appliance, Target is my family’s number one destination.  Plus, a week before Columbus Day, they already have Christmas decorations up.  Now, that’s efficiency!

    As I discovered this week, after wandering past the frozen foods section (yes, Target also sells food which doesn’t come in “Fun-Sizes”), I noticed they also offer a huge selection of bathroom tissue (a euphemism if there ever was one).

Please excuse the poor quality.
 I had to use my cell phone camera.
Can you imagine if I used my regular camera?  People would think I was a freak.  Or a congressman.

    One of our most basic needs, toilet paper has been around for centuries.  Or at least since I was born.  Frankly, I couldn’t care less what other people used before 1958.  Or 1960, if we’re being honest.

    Still, imagine what life was like before its invention:

    “Zook, me need drop big load. Bring head over here. And bring something read. Like painting on rock.”  

    NOTE:  For Entertainment Use only.  Cavemen clearly did not speak English.

    And even when the tribal butt wipers quit their jobs to work on the pyramids, all we had to use was the available leaf, corn cob, or serf.  Not a lot of fun.  It was only when the last page of the last Sears catalog was used did it become crucial to take the same material we used to blow our nose a little further south. 

    I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not opposable thumbs and televisions above urinals which sets us apart from the beasts of nature.

    It’s potty paper.

    As I further pondered Target’s enormous display of bathroom tissue, I noticed a dizzying variety from which to choose.  Specifically, Charmin’ offers “Ultra-Soft” and “Ultra-Strong.”

    NOTE:  I am not being financially remunerated by the paper giant for this ad placement.  It’s a freebie.  But, if they want to throw a few bucks my way....

    You tell me, which would you prefer?  "Ultra-Soft" so you don't scrape hard enough to expose colon?  Or "Ultra-Strong" so you don't run the risk of giving yourself a prostate exam?  I don't know about you, but I'm thinking Charmin' could easily combine the two.  As long as it's perfumed.

     Which is something that corn cobs and those fancy-pants serfs with their Bubonic Plague never were.

Epilogue:  In case you were wondering, our toilet paper is American made.  Apparently, there’s still some national pride left.

USA!  USA!  USA!