The story of a boy, who enlisted in the Navy, who became a man, who still retained the emotional maturity of that boy, yet convinced a woman to marry him.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Target-It's More Than Stuff Made in China


    Well, not a lot more.  But, more.

    I love going to the Target in Richland Township (or is that Quakertown?  Who knows?  But, who am I to judge?  I live in Hilltown.  With a Perkasie mailing address.  Talk about screwing up your average GPS).
    Like Walmart, it offers a vast array of quality products at bargain prices.  Unlike Walmart, it’s remarkably mullet-free and you don’t have near the same chance of blundering into a stray fart cloud.
    Whether it’s the latest in books, video equipment, sporting goods, Gorilla Glue, or household appliance, Target is my family’s number one destination.  Plus, a week before Columbus Day, they already have Christmas decorations up.  Now, that’s efficiency!
    As I discovered this week, after wandering past the frozen foods section (yes, Target also sells food which doesn’t come in “Fun-Sizes”), I noticed they also offer a huge selection of bathroom tissue (a euphemism if there ever was one).
Please excuse the poor quality.
 I had to use my cell phone camera.
Can you imagine if I used my regular camera?  People would think I was a freak.  Or a congressman.
    One of our most basic needs, toilet paper has been around for centuries.  Or at least since I was born.  Frankly, I couldn’t care less what other people used before 1958.  Or 1960, if we’re being honest.
    Still, imagine what life was like before its invention:
    “Zook, me need drop big load. Bring head over here. And bring something read. Like painting on rock.”  
    NOTE:  For Entertainment Use only.  Cavemen clearly did not speak English.
    And even when the tribal butt wipers quit their jobs to work on the pyramids, all we had to use was the available leaf, corn cob, or serf.  Not a lot of fun.  It was only when the last page of the last Sears catalog was used did it become crucial to take the same material we used to blow our nose a little further south. 
    I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not opposable thumbs and televisions above urinals which sets us apart from the beasts of nature.
    It’s potty paper.
    As I further pondered Target’s enormous display of bathroom tissue, I noticed a dizzying variety from which to choose.  Specifically, Charmin’ offers “Ultra-Soft” and “Ultra-Strong.”

    NOTE:  I am not being financially remunerated by the paper giant for this ad placement.  It’s a freebie.  But, if they want to throw a few bucks my way....
    You tell me, which would you prefer?  "Ultra-Soft" so you don't scrape hard enough to expose colon?  Or "Ultra-Strong" so you don't run the risk of giving yourself a prostate exam?  I don't know about you, but I'm thinking Charmin' could easily combine the two.  As long as it's perfumed.
     Which is something that corn cobs and those fancy-pants serfs with their Bubonic Plague never were.

Epilogue:  In case you were wondering, our toilet paper is American made.  Apparently, there’s still some national pride left.

USA!  USA!  USA!   

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